I Dress in Black
I dress in black most of the time. I enjoy watching crappy and not so crappy horror movies. The music I listen to is often hard, heavy, or dark. My boots are high and heavy. My literature is dark and heavy. I read comics. I collect comics. I play video games. Violent video games. At some point I was even part of the production of a violent video game.
And yet, I have not fired a real gun yet. I have not held a real gun in my hands and while I am curious on how it feels to fire a gun at a wooden target I have never felt the urge to hurt people with one. I do enjoy playing games, though, in which my character roams futuristic settings and frags every character passing by.
While I find some horror and splatter movies hilariously funny I would never go out and re-enact a scene I have seen. I do not want to know how it looks, smells and sounds to skin, shoot or gut someone.
While the comic books I read range from immensely cute to rather violent I have never wanted to be a superhero with superpowers who can snap a grown man’s arm in two with the subtle twist of my wrist. I have never wanted to beat up a large mass of people simply because I can.
I offer old ladies a seat on the bus, I help handicapped people get on the train, I have a soft spot for children and cannot even harm a spider without feeling guilty. I say “please” and “thank you” and pardon myself when bumping into someone on the street. I respect others – no matter if I agree or disagree with them (in general, in detail, it does not matter).
I was the outsider at school. Being interested in comics and RPGs and other stuff the others found ridiculous, moved me to the very edge of the “cool-range”.Some teachers loved me, some hated my guts. Tortured me, punished me whenever they had the chance to.
I could have snapped back then. If I did not have close friends, confidants, a family that supported the notion of being oneself and not being ashamed of that and professors who believed in me I could have snapped. If I had not been told about all the different shades of gray and how to take everything with a grain of salt I might have snapped. If my upbringing had included guns and a very loose handling of them it would have been easy for me to snap. I didn’t. I had support, proper education and the possibility to find comfort in my favorite music, books and games.
I am now 30, dress in black most of the time and enjoy those video nights with my friends and incredibly genius partner in crime, when we watch the most stupid horror movies. I am writing my thesis about one of the more violent graphic novels. I still run around in futuristic settings and aim with ridiculous guns at my opponents, whenever I find the time, which is rare. I work full time during the week, indulge in my hobbies on the weekend. I pay my taxes. I vote. I did not snap.
Even though you think I am the kind of person who would.
(A collection of thoughts about the recent events in Germany where a 17-year old boy entered his school with his father’s gun and shot 15 people, then committed suicide.)
Filed under: Comics, Game Related, Horror, Movie, Private, RPG | 9 Comments
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